When my husband passed away in 2006 I was lost. We were soul mates and his death was sudden. Feeling alone even in a group, I gravitated from one to another. Music became my saving grace, a way to understand my feelings, a way for me to force the tears that were buried within. Music was my life house. I listened to Lifehouse. I listened some nights trying to remember how to breathe normal again trying to make sense of what happened, and clinging to every word Rick and I shared. Breathing.
I am hanging on every word you said
And even if you don’t want to speak tonight
That’s alright, alright with me
‘Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside heaven’s door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be
Being alone stirs the monsters in your head, and if you’re not careful those monsters begin to rule your life. I was there, living in the valley of death searching for old love letters, pieces of Rick. It was in one of those moments that I started talking to God. I asked him why. I asked him to forgive me for believing life with Rick would last forever and not appreciating each moment. I asked him to forgive me for any words said in anger. I waited all the while “Outside heaven’s door remembering my husband’s breathing as he laid beside me all those many years we shared. And in that quiet stillness I saw Rick saying it’s okay, we loved each other with every breath we took. I felt a sense of calm.
As days passed I talked to God more and more. I journaled about my new life interwoven with memories from the past. And I found grace.
My chains are torn; I’ve been set free. My God my savior has ransomed me. And like a flood his mercy reigns, unending love, Amazing grace that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost but now I’m found was blind and now I see.
Memories are saving grace. Moving on with those memories is remembering how to breathe. And moving on is learning how to live again with every breath you take.
Lifehouse — Breathing
Chris Tomlin — Amazing Grace My Chains are Torn