When my husband passed away in 2006 I was lost.  We were soul mates and his death was sudden.  Feeling alone even in a group, I gravitated from one to another.  Music became my saving grace, a way to understand my feelings, a way for me to force the tears that were buried within.  Music was my life house.  I listened to Lifehouse.  I listened some nights trying to remember how to breathe normal again trying to make sense of what happened, and clinging to every word Rick and I shared.  Breathing.

I am hanging on every word you said
And even if you don’t want to speak tonight
That’s alright, alright with me
‘Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside heaven’s door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be

Being alone stirs the monsters in your head, and if you’re not careful those monsters begin to rule your life.  I was there, living in the valley of death searching for old love letters, pieces of Rick.  It was in one of those moments that I started talking to God.  I asked him why.  I asked him to forgive me for believing life with Rick would last forever and not appreciating each moment.  I asked him to forgive me for any words said in anger.  I waited all the while “Outside heaven’s door remembering my husband’s breathing as he laid beside me all those many years we shared.  And in that quiet stillness I saw Rick saying it’s okay, we loved each other with every breath we took.  I felt a sense of calm.

As days passed I talked to God more and more.  I journaled about my new life interwoven with memories from the past.  And I found grace.

My chains are torn; I’ve been set free.  My God my savior has ransomed me.  And like a flood his mercy reigns, unending love, Amazing grace that saved a wretch like me.  I once was lost but now I’m found was blind and now I see.

Memories are saving grace.  Moving on with those memories is remembering how to breathe.  And moving on is learning how to live again with every breath you take.

 

Citation:

Lifehouse — Breathing

Chris Tomlin — Amazing Grace My Chains are Torn

 

 

 

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3 thoughts on “Every Breath of Grace

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