Appearances. How things look from the outside. Growing up, I lived in a family that valued appearances more than truth. And in order to keep up appearances one most control, or try to control everything around them so others don’t see what is really happening on the inside.
I never was very good at the appearance thing. Sure, I could smile when I felt like crying. I could be funny when I felt sad. I could even look the part of a person in control. BUT I could never master appearances to my family’s satisfaction. As I look back, that could be why my parents preferred I stay home instead of hang out with my friends and their families. Hmmmmmmm.
And I could continue that hmmmmmm as I think about growing into and living as an adult. Because, for whatever reason, I adopted a controlling personality. I wanted everything to be perfect from the inside out. And if it wasn’t perfect on its own it would be perfect with my help. HELLO
There were years of controlling. Praying that things would go my way. Praying people would act the way I wanted them to act. You get the picture. And life moved on sometimes in good and sometimes in tragic ways.
Through life events I met and married a man who lives life by 12 steps. I went to meetings and accidentally found out those meetings were helpful to me. I learned control is a myth driven by ego. Peace and serenity are achieved when we ask to be delivered from ego.
For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory for ever and ever. Amen